If you are a religious abuse survivor, the holidays can feel like…

a big lump of coal in your stocking
a burnt-out strand of Christmas lights
a big slice of great-grandma’s fruitcake.

(OK. No more cheesy metaphors. I promise. Kind of.)

But really. We can feel alone and experience SO many unexpected triggers.

We’ve discussed the problem in parts #1 and #2… NOW! What to do??

Let’s talk about this.

1) Give Yourself Permission

“Permission for what?”, you might ask. Ahhhhh…. That’s the question. What do YOU need permission to do (or not to do)?

How do you want or need to fill this in?

• Take care of yourself?
• Not go to the Christmas Eve service?
• Give fewer or less expensive gifts?
• Get rid of old Christmas albums that trigger spiritual abuse trauma?
• Go slower?
• Not decorate?
• Throw away decorations that remind you of pain?
• Breathe?
• Not read spiritual books or watch religious programs?
• _________________

What is it that you wish someone would give YOU permission to do? 

Those of us who have gone through religious abuse are often overly dutiful, compliant and pleasing to the point of doing significant damage to our bodies and souls.

What do you want and need??

Grab a sticky note and write your own permission slip.

2) Find Support

This can be a tricky one. Many of us lost our closest and most treasured people when we went through the abuse. It can be part of the pain we carry.

Let me say this: Support can come from unlikely places.

Don’t be too proud, insecure or embarrassed to accept invitations to holiday celebrations from people who might be unexpected hosts or unlikely friends. Keep your eyes open. It’s a long road back – this recreating a social support network – but it can and does eventually happen! Trust me.

SO! Who are your people now? A group? An individual? A family? Speak your need and allow yourself to be supported by them.

3) Understand your Brain

Remember, when you have been through abuse, your brain has been traumatized – usually in multiple ways.

Sometimes we forget that the brain is an organ in the body. When we experience trauma, the brain is “damaged” like any other organ would be.

Remember this!

Our brain is in pain and it is going to react painfully to things that remind us of the trauma, like stubbing an already broken toe.

Often, we feel guilty for “over-reacting” and others might even shame us for our seemingly strong reactions to things.

We react to walking into a church.
We hurt during religious services.
We can’t bear to read the Bible or religious writing.
We avoid religious Christmas carols.
We ___________(you fill in the blank).

Of course, we do! Our brain has been injured by toxic religion and it is desperately trying to heal.

Just because trauma wounds aren’t visible does NOT mean they are not real.
They are
So.
Very.
Real.

Take care of your brain this holiday season and give yourself permission to limit your exposure to the things that hurt it.

4) Move your Body

This is SO basic but essential. Our bodies neeeeed to move. It relieves stress and pumps so very many “happy” chemicals into our system.

Do you have excuses?

Here’s my personal, treasured (unfortunately common) list:

It’s too cold.
It’s too dark.
I’m too busy.
I’m working too hard.
I have family in town.

Your body and brain need support during this stressful season – and that means body movement. Do yourself a favor. Make it fun.

Walk.
Walk further.
Run.
Run further.
Lift.
Ski.
Zumba.
Yoga.

Just do it. (OK. More cheesy references. Sorry.)

5) Breathe

How the heck can we forget to breathe??

Well, we do.

Our breathing becomes shallow and less effective when we are stressed or anxious. (And the holidays have ample opportunities for both when recovering from spiritual abuse!) As a therapist, I coach people regularly on how to breathe more effectively. Even so, I often forget that when *I* need to slow down and destress, I must remind myself to breathe differently.

Here’s the quick fix:

Breathe IN to the count of 4
Breathe OUT to the count of 4
Do this simple pattern 10 times

Simple?  Yes.
Effective. YES.

My heart is with you all during this holiday season, my dear unique tribe of courageous survivors. Take these 5 quick holiday survival tips and make the best of your holidays! And pass them along. Someone will be helped.

***Coming next week–Part 4: How do we navigate our families during the holidays after experiencing spiritual abuse?

Did you miss Part 1 and Part 2 of this series? 

Part 1: How To Handle Holidays – How to Handle the Holidays.

Part 2: How To Handle Holidays – Secret Holiday Triggers

What are the unique challenges?