6 Reasons  Why It’s OK to Tell My Story

( Even if it causes someone else  pain) Part 1

The news has been recently filled with people coming forward about abuse. 

Sexual abuse, religious abuse and so much more.  The reactions are varied.

Some people are cheering on the survivors.

Some people are questioning why the victims didn’t come forward earlier.

Some people are worried people are being falsely accused.

There are so many types of abuse that are real and devastating:

sexual abuse

religious abuse

psychological abuse

financial abuse

verbal abuse

physical abuse

and many other types of abuse.

Just a few months ago, I posted my story of sexual and religious abuse on YouTube. See it here.   Here was my main concern:

What if people were going to be hurt by the telling of my story??

Not the abuser… but the lives close to the abuser.

Lives that I cared about.

People who had something to lose.

People who were in my life at the time.

What if they were hurt??

If I tell my story, who would be impacted and how??

There were several individual abusers involved in my story.  For the months and years leading up to posting the video, I thought often about the people that would be impacted by it.  I thought about the wives of my abusers.  I thought about their children.  I thought about their grandchildren.  I thought about their “ministries” and their reputation.

Weren’t the feelings of the friends and families of these men and their reputation of the institutions they represented more important than my desire to tell my story?

Some of you will look at that question and say, “Of COURSE not!  Why silence the victim (of any abuse or crime) to protect the perpetrator’s family??”

Some of the more sensitive types (like me), worry and wrestle with the ethics and humanity involved with telling my story when it involves someone else’s story.

By my telling the story, some people who I have loved for decades would be impacted. THAT was the rub.  Most of the time, my first instinct is to protect. (Ha! Look at my story of abuse, right??)  I wanted to protect people – especially those that were still close to my heart.

Interestingly, that desire to protect is often what entrapped us in the abuse in the first place.  We are asked consistently by our abuser to protect them from the consequences of their actions.

So….

We protect the abuser.

We protect our parents.

We protect our siblings.

We protect our family.

We protect our friends.

We protect our schools.

We protect our church.

No wonder it is difficult to tell our story when we are wired to protect and keep silent.

As a therapist, I knew why my clients had often made the choice to tell their story of abuse (either publicly or privately). It was very clear to me that this was OK when it was their story! Before we look at reasons why it’s OK to tell your story, let me say this:

You do not have to tell your story.

Some of you are ready and waiting for permission and courage to speak out.

Others of you are nowhere NEAR ready. That’s OK!  I wasn’t ready to tell my story publicly for years and years.

Some of you have never told your story to another human being.  That’s OK!

Some of you have chosen to not tell your story to your family, community or in a public setting. That’s OK!

The telling of our story to another person or on a public platform is a weighty decision that deserves a lot of consideration.  It takes time!  So hear me: there is no pressure to tell your story.  YOU can make that choice. (Note: I do hope you can eventually tell it to at least one other person – and more if you need to – for the healing of your own heart.)

Next blog we’ll take a look at the first 2 reasons why it’s OK.