Grief. The Heartbreaking. The Horrible. The Hopeful.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about the grief I feel.
My story is this:
My dad was a good man.
He loved and supported me.
He was not perfect but he was loved and respected by many.
My dad was honest – the real deal.
He and I had a very good relationship.
I am well aware of the other types of deaths – when someone says goodbye to a parent, grandparent, spouse, sibling, relative or friend…
And this is not a part of the story.
There were several things about my dad’s passing that were ugly and worse than I wish they had been.
• The intensity of his suffering the last weeks
• The multiple expressions of suffering the last weeks
• Only 73 years old – active and vital up until the last 2 months
But it is largely what I would call
clean grief.
A sharp, steel knife – cutting deep, deep into the flesh, healing cleanly.
What about messy grief?
What about…
a sudden death where you don’t get to say goodbye?
finding out after the death that the person was not what they seemed?
the death of an abusive or neglectful or estranged parent?
the death of a loved one with whom you have fought or parted ways?
the accidental death that just maybe you could have prevented?
knowing the disingenuous private life of a lauded public family member?
the death of a parent when you are a child?
the death of a spouse that had betrayed you?
the death of a child or young person?
suicide?
These are what I would call
messy grief.
A ripping and tearing of flesh laden with infection and messy scarring.
(And let’s be honest, most deaths include a mixture of both clean and messy.)
So, I can (in my over-conscientious, over-empathetic, minimizing, comparing, unhealthy self) end up feeling guilty
that I had a fairly clean grief
that it’s so much worse for other people
that I had my dad for so many years
that I have a load of good memories to draw from
that I am grieving a happy relationship rather than a relationship I never had.
OK… how about I tap into that wiser and more healthy self?
All grief sucks.
All grief is filled with anguish.
Both clean and messy griefs have their own unique texture of suffering.
We can never (Truly. Never.) compare pain. It doesn’t equate.
There are universal, shared experiences of grief…. AND
We each grieve very much alone and uniquely – like no other person on the planet.
Clean and/or Messy.
0 Comments