Since the death of my dear dad, there have been a lot of words.

People say things to me and my family about his death and our grief. Every comment so far has been obviously well intentioned and spoken with love. My mom, my brother, my family and I are surrounded with wonderful people and great support during this time.

But I will admit that some comments have been more helpful than others.

So these thoughts are
for anyone who has a grieving friend, co-worker, acquaintance or relative…
from a therapist and grieving daughter.

What do you say to us?
What do you NOT say?
What can you say that might help?
How do you avoid stepping in a big pile of poop?

Here’s the thing. We who grieve get to say positive things that help, comfort and buoy us up that other people (you) are not allowed to say. (Crazy? Yes. But true.) Here is list.

The grieving person may say these any time they want —— and you may NOT. (Bossy? Yes. Quite.)

I’m happy that she’s in a better place.
(You may NOT say: Be happy that she’s in a better place.)

I’m thankful, it could have been worse.
(You may NOT say: Be thankful, it could have been worse.)

I’m glad he didn’t die like (fill in the blank).
(You may NOT say: Be glad he didn’t die like [fill in the blank].)

I am grateful that she didn’t suffer.
(You may NOT say: Be grateful that she didn’t suffer.)

I trust God. There is a plan in it all.
(You may NOT say: Trust God. There is a plan in it all.)

Grieving people also have permission to say negative, uncomfortable things like:

I hate life right now!
I don’t want to talk about it!
I don’t want to go on living without her!
I’m mad at God for doing this!
Nobody understands how hard this is!
I don’t care if I see him in heaven, I miss him now!
I’m so angry at her for leaving me!
Why me?
It seems like nobody else has hurt this bad!

And we have permission to say even more negative, uncomfortable things like:

 

I’m relieved she’s dead.
He wasn’t a good person.
She lied to me.
I’m sad and angry we didn’t have a good relationship.
He wasn’t what he appeared to be.

Yes, these are negative. Yes, these will make you squirm. Yes, you will have a problem with it. Yes, you will want to correct the grieving person.

Don’t.

They are processing either
1) A person that they were close to and with whom they enjoyed a good relationship or
2) A person that hurt them and caused them pain or
3) Sometimes both

And you don’t get to tell them how to think or how to feel about the person or their bereft condition to make yourself more comfortable.

Here are a couple more things you are NOT allowed to say: (Bossy? Yes. Didn’t we cover that?)

• I know exactly how you feel. (No, you don’t. Every person goes through loss and grief differently.)
• It’s going to be OK. (You don’t know that. And it’s not usually helpful, anyway.)

By now you are probably quite annoyed at me, and asking, “WELL WHATEVER *CAN* I SAY??” (You would be rightfully annoyed.) But, thank you for asking!

Here’s a partial list of what could be helpful:

I’m so sorry.
Can I tell you a story that I remember about your dad?
It’s OK to be wherever you’re at, feeling whatever you’re feeling.
Can I please bring you some food?
Is there something I can say to you that might help?
What is this process like for you?
Can I please come mow your yard?
You know what I loved about your sister?
What would be helpful for you right now?
Do you want to talk?
I have time today/this week. What can I do to make your load lighter?
Would you like a ride with me to_____?
Can I please come clean your house? (Use with caution. Right?)
Your mom was so important to me.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

*This is you sitting with us saying absolutely nothing. The hardest job of all.

After all these (bossy) do’s and don’ts, let me say the most important thing to all my remarkable friends and to all the dear friends of those that grieve:

THANK YOU.

Thank you for the love and hugs and prayers and words and cards and kindness and tears and food and flowers and help and support. We know your sincere heart so don’t worry about saying the perfect thing, just be there and love us, check up on us, give us grace on this crazy path and be our friend.